How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
