we have pet lesbian snakes
what day is it and did you see me today?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
