Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
