I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
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I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
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I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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