I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
