She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
