turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
