I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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