After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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