I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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