I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
i now understand why vodka
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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