I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
