new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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