U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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