I just saw a hot homeless man
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I have post one night stand depression
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