The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
