Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
