If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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