she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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