I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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