so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
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He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
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At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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