i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
