I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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