I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
