I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
