Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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