My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
