i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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