I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
