She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
