as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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