I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
This toilet bowl is my home.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
