with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We don't watch enough power rangers
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
