you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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