How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
