ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
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She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
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I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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