Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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