You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
