why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
