ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
