Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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