As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
