are you so shy because you have an std?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
high people should be assigned attendants
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
