How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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