White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
