I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
