I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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