Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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