everyone is single if you try hard enough
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
