my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
