I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My life is pants optional.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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